Sorry, I know... I cut that off early. Before I head out again I figure I'll write another post to clarify. I just... When I recounted His appearance, I just couldn't go on. He is definitely toying with me. Of course he wouldn't kill me. He hasn't quite ruined the point of living for me yet. Maybe I sound brave saying that, but truth is I just don't like the thought of dying. I'm a coward.
After His unearthly desire to destroy the most beautiful things in this world had played out the somber scene, I didn't stay long. I checked to see if she was still alive, but to no avail. The top of the car was bashed in pretty bad, maybe two whole feet. Where a living, breathing, beautiful person sat smiling back at me only seconds ago, there now laid a haunting mess of red. The worst part was, her face was still entirely intact, and it stared back at me, eyes mocking me and jaw gaping. I couldn't help but hold her hand one last time before I heard the sirens and donned my hood, sprinting off for God knows where.
If this reaches her parents- and I don't believe I need to provide a name for that brutal and specific of a crime- then please believe me; I will never forgive myself, and you shouldn't either. I am doing my best to avenge your daughter, as well.
At one point in my life, I had it far too easy. I had a lot of what I wanted delivered to me. I got depressed, and wished in an odd sense to grow old and regretful. As if a life of regret was exactly what I deserved. I can't help but wonder if these emotions are what He uses to get His way in... Or if they make us more enjoyable prey. But I sure as Hell am regretting getting my wish now. I'd take it all back in a heartbeat.
For now, I am on a fast food joint's wifi, and I don't know where I'm heading next. I'm looking to test a theory, though... So I may have a specific destination in mind. No guarantees. I promise to start posting regularly again.
Sincerely,
Alexander
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
What am I doing.
I went to a concert with her, and then somehow this happened.
We sit together on the bench at 3am in the pitched black darkness, with only a few distant lights to guide the way to the safety of her black two-door chariot, and the last thing I want is to lie to her, but the last LAST thing I want to do is to tell her the absolute truth- what I have been hiding for her safety. No, our safety.
I mean, I could tell her I just broke up with another girl, and that if we went along, she would only crush someone she has never met. Then she would turn me down.
Or I could inform her of my metaphysical stalker, and... well... She could lock me out of the car and drive away from my madman ass.
So I don't tell her, simply keep quiet.
It is as if an omnipotent being is hovering over my shoulder, whispering in my ear 'You can't do this. You know it won't work. You know it's wrong. I will smite you for an imperfect result.' "I hate being shy" tumbles loosely out.
"Well, sometimes, you just have to act."
"But what if it hurts someone else?" I question, longing to take her advice.
"You have to do what's right for you"
"But what if it's not right... What if..." I stumble, going nowhere with my words.
"You just have to do the best you can. You can't see the future. Just do what you think is right." This causes me to fall silent, as I know I can't argue this logic. I know no amount of foresight can save me. I end up putting my head on her shoulder, the omnipotent being still pestering me.
"You're a really ambiguous person" she states with a smile, after I shrugged off (and poorly, I might add) her question, which, for God's sake, could have been ANYTHING but 'What's on your mind?'
The only appropriate response? A grin and a shrug. I changed the subject.
"Are you still afraid of THE MURDERERS?!" It's sort of an inside joke, I guess. Something we share a lot of. "This place looks pretty murder-ish." If only she knew. My head is saying 'NO NO NO NO NO NO GET OUT' but my heart can't help but play me as the hopeless romantic.
As if sharing brains, we look behind us, playfully wide-eyed, and she takes off into the grass. I can't tell if she's actually scared of possible murderers, or she's just pretending (something I'm fond of) but it doesn't matter. She is damn cute. "HEY WAIT! Where are you going?" I follow, simply happy to be in her presence.
We meet in the middle of the grass, and I remember her advice. Not two minutes later, we are playing staring games, and not long after that, lips meet.
If you've ever kissed someone on a date before, you know that everything else in your mind pretty much stops, and everything slips away. It almost feels like if you open your eyes during the kiss, you and her would be standing on some small island in space, floating into nothing.
So let me tell you, friend, what a shock it is to have that feeling shattered. It came to me like a cicada song, loud and obnoxious. It must have built up in the trance of that gesture of love, at first an impercipient hum, now a cacophony in my head. Alarm bells in my head ring as He approaches closer and closer. Though startling, I keep my composure and finish the kiss. I fake a shiver, and we get back in the car and take off with the heat on.
I can't rope her into this... but at the same time, I can't help it. What am I supposed to tell her? "Sorry, I have to skip town right now."? We drive around for a bathroom break, and when we get back in the car, it sputters as the key turned. She tries maybe 10 times with no luck, and I get anxious. He would show his face soon. So when the engine finally turned, we drove straight "home".
We turn onto "my street" (where I told her I lived. No one wants to date a hobo.) and she lets me out in front of "my house" (a place I had found unlocked, by TOTALLY inconspicuous trial and error.) and I give her a kiss good night, leaning in through the open door.
I open my eyes and shit goes to Hell so fast, words cannot express it. Before I even reach to close the door, His tentacles appear in a flurry behind her, two breaking their way in through the windows. The first snaps the driver side seat belt like a length of twine, and the second wraps around her, pulling her out through the window.
Now, I've heard that when he touches you, the pain is unimaginable. But he picks her up effortlessly, scraping her sides on the broken glass of the windshield as she goes through the broken mess, then slams her against the top of the car over and over before throwing her bloody body into the middle of the street and disappearing. That kind of pain, I don't think I could even comprehend.
It could have been me. Why not?
I wanted it to be me.
Sincerely,
Alexander
We sit together on the bench at 3am in the pitched black darkness, with only a few distant lights to guide the way to the safety of her black two-door chariot, and the last thing I want is to lie to her, but the last LAST thing I want to do is to tell her the absolute truth- what I have been hiding for her safety. No, our safety.
I mean, I could tell her I just broke up with another girl, and that if we went along, she would only crush someone she has never met. Then she would turn me down.
Or I could inform her of my metaphysical stalker, and... well... She could lock me out of the car and drive away from my madman ass.
So I don't tell her, simply keep quiet.
It is as if an omnipotent being is hovering over my shoulder, whispering in my ear 'You can't do this. You know it won't work. You know it's wrong. I will smite you for an imperfect result.' "I hate being shy" tumbles loosely out.
"Well, sometimes, you just have to act."
"But what if it hurts someone else?" I question, longing to take her advice.
"You have to do what's right for you"
"But what if it's not right... What if..." I stumble, going nowhere with my words.
"You just have to do the best you can. You can't see the future. Just do what you think is right." This causes me to fall silent, as I know I can't argue this logic. I know no amount of foresight can save me. I end up putting my head on her shoulder, the omnipotent being still pestering me.
"You're a really ambiguous person" she states with a smile, after I shrugged off (and poorly, I might add) her question, which, for God's sake, could have been ANYTHING but 'What's on your mind?'
The only appropriate response? A grin and a shrug. I changed the subject.
"Are you still afraid of THE MURDERERS?!" It's sort of an inside joke, I guess. Something we share a lot of. "This place looks pretty murder-ish." If only she knew. My head is saying 'NO NO NO NO NO NO GET OUT' but my heart can't help but play me as the hopeless romantic.
As if sharing brains, we look behind us, playfully wide-eyed, and she takes off into the grass. I can't tell if she's actually scared of possible murderers, or she's just pretending (something I'm fond of) but it doesn't matter. She is damn cute. "HEY WAIT! Where are you going?" I follow, simply happy to be in her presence.
We meet in the middle of the grass, and I remember her advice. Not two minutes later, we are playing staring games, and not long after that, lips meet.
If you've ever kissed someone on a date before, you know that everything else in your mind pretty much stops, and everything slips away. It almost feels like if you open your eyes during the kiss, you and her would be standing on some small island in space, floating into nothing.
So let me tell you, friend, what a shock it is to have that feeling shattered. It came to me like a cicada song, loud and obnoxious. It must have built up in the trance of that gesture of love, at first an impercipient hum, now a cacophony in my head. Alarm bells in my head ring as He approaches closer and closer. Though startling, I keep my composure and finish the kiss. I fake a shiver, and we get back in the car and take off with the heat on.
I can't rope her into this... but at the same time, I can't help it. What am I supposed to tell her? "Sorry, I have to skip town right now."? We drive around for a bathroom break, and when we get back in the car, it sputters as the key turned. She tries maybe 10 times with no luck, and I get anxious. He would show his face soon. So when the engine finally turned, we drove straight "home".
We turn onto "my street" (where I told her I lived. No one wants to date a hobo.) and she lets me out in front of "my house" (a place I had found unlocked, by TOTALLY inconspicuous trial and error.) and I give her a kiss good night, leaning in through the open door.
I open my eyes and shit goes to Hell so fast, words cannot express it. Before I even reach to close the door, His tentacles appear in a flurry behind her, two breaking their way in through the windows. The first snaps the driver side seat belt like a length of twine, and the second wraps around her, pulling her out through the window.
Now, I've heard that when he touches you, the pain is unimaginable. But he picks her up effortlessly, scraping her sides on the broken glass of the windshield as she goes through the broken mess, then slams her against the top of the car over and over before throwing her bloody body into the middle of the street and disappearing. That kind of pain, I don't think I could even comprehend.
It could have been me. Why not?
I wanted it to be me.
Sincerely,
Alexander
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